Toys I know and love



I'm the best bunny in the whole world!



Hi Folks I'm the gold plated wonder and I spank the the Doc Johnson I-Vibe like a red headed step child in a Nazi foster home!*

Welcome to the first instalment of TOYS I KNOW AND LOVE.

Every week or so  ill be putting up the most popular toys and products in my store for your inspection.



Another satisfied customer



Every single one has been extensively reviewed and tested in my real brick and mortar store, I personal have touched presented and recommended it. I depend on satisfied, return customers to make my living.  so with out further Adue I give to you the GOLD PLATED WONDER!


Size matters! This is a full size Rabbit vibrator, with 5 Inches of insert able length and 10 total inches from tip to tale. The flexible soft head is an 1.5 inches wide and 1.3/4 inches at the rotating beads, plenty for most folks.

POWER!

First the bunny ears, long and soft so they cuddle both sides of the clit then add to that 7 settings with 3 regular vibrations and 4 multifunction you will see this gorgeous toy has it all. The first 3, Low, Medium and High (which has been nicknamed the OMG setting by my customers) and has been described to me by the ladies as "A 30 second orgasm or 5 Min's of screaming and eye rolling" the Low vibration is firm yet gentle Medium is a no no-nonsense "getter done".

 Next is a a roller coaster, two speeds of surging and finale a rhythm that is real close to jingle bells. Straight forward easy to operate controls making finding the magic combination easy with no frustration and the Seven Settings for the clitoral stimulator provides something for everyone

Fixed beads. This is where we find a big difference compared to the I-vibe. rather the floating pearls we have fixed beads directly connected to the motor rather then just being stirred around inside.  That means durability and all the power and stimulation is transferred directly to where you need it, this makes it great for G-spot orgasms as well. with six speeds on its easy to go from great to over the top.

Water proof,
Need i say more! no, but I'm going to any way :) Other then the most obvious benefit namely you can use it any where you want, water proof means discretion when you need it. if you just have to have some "personal time" and the in laws are over you can just roll it it up in a towel in your bedroom, walk it right into the shower and know one but you is going to know

We have compared this to the Doc. Johnson I-vibe hands on, side by side in store.
The I-vibe is an outstanding product no doubt, but for ease of use, shere power sturdy construction and better price, not mention its beautiful, the gold plated wonder is the customers choice!

Quick specs.
10" total length 5" insert able
7 functions clitoral stimulator, 6 speeds on the fixed beads
unscented soft TPA body with gold tone abs body and touch pad controls.

*Never take Evil Lightly, But laugh at ever chance you get!

Butt mechanics 101, OR Rectum? Damn near killed him!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN step right up and SEE the amazing, SEE the forbidden, SEE THE TABOO!  Hidden away in the darkest recesses of your undergarment and minds for years! They said it was dirty, they it was bad, But NOW I reveal to you IN ALL ITS GLORY, the humble, the mysterious, Na the magical HUMAN RECTUM!

"Quick Billy*  pass out the rain coats and get the  money before they change there minds"

All right, all right, everybody  form a line, single file, that's it very good. Look Billy I told you, you can’t bring your Myotonic goat he passes out ever time somebody sneezes. All right before we set of on this tour of the Amazing Rectum, lets do a gear check. Flash light? Check! Shiny Yellow Rain coat? Check! Rubber boots? Check! lots and lots of LUBE? check! ALL right ladies and gentlemen lets go.

The first thing we come to is the outer sphincter mussel, also known as "Sphincter ani externus" or more commonly your Asshole. Some interesting facts about this gateway to pleasure, it is the first of two rectal muscles That's right, Not just ONE, BUT TWO! This one is under your control, Its normal closed but with a lot of lube some manipulation and consent we can relax it to allow entry of the group, another interesting fact is that this area immediately inside and around is rich with blood vessels and nerve endings like your penis and vagina. Just like your Fun Bits they can become aroused and be a source of great pleasure.

Lets see if we can explore a little bit further, Billy the lube if you please.

There are many methods of applying the lube, The cold squirt, The sneaky caress, I prefer The warmed bottle with stimulation. You can also put it on your hand to take the chill off.  As I gently apply the lube with my finger tips I also caress and stimulate the vagina providing a duel pleasurable experience.  Are there any questions while I do this? ... Yes? What was that?  Very observant of you  Miss! She noticed I never switch hands and wanted to know why? GOOD HYGIENE! Why if you were to use the same hand on the vagina as the anus you could transfer bacteria. This in turn could cause a vaginal infection. Yeast infections or bacterial infections my friends, could put an end to your play time in a hurry. The same thing applies to toys penises tongues Ect.

Any more questions ? Yes, the gentleman in the purple stripes and polka dot bow tie!

No sir this is not a Real anus, It is an ACMETM  Rectal-Matic 3000 model M/F with advanced reflexology

Now notice how I take my time circling and lightly caressing with my fingertips. What I'm actually doing, is massaging the muscle surrounding the entrance. This will help my partner relax, and I’ll be able to tell by touch when she’s ready to experience a little more.

She’s starting to relax a little, so I can gently press my finger tip into the opening. I'm not trying to penetrate, just lightly pressing in a circular motion.  Once more, I’m feeling for the relaxation that tells me she’s ready for a little more, ah yes here we go.

Making sure I have plenty of lube on my finger, I GENTLY press on the sphincter with the pad of my finger slowly allowing her to open up at her own speed. I DO NOT SHOVE MY FINGER IN TO THE LAST KNUCKLE. We have spent considerable time getting this far and we don't want to blow it now!

As I work my finger in, I gently press outward, working in a circular motion to ever so slightly stretch the opening a little further. I just use the tip of my finger and once more I pay attention. If she starts to tense up I slow down, if she relaxes more, I increase my activity.  I’m always listening to her body with my touch.

As we slid in an inch or two we find something amazing. It’s the second Rectal sphincter. That's right yet another door to open. Now is the time for yet more lube.

As I apply lube from the pre-warmed bottle, I slid my finger in and out.  I’m never hurrying and more importantly, I DO NOT TRY TO FORCE MY FINGER INTO THE SECOND DOOR.  I’m still listening with my touch. My goal is to try and get the lube inside so we can open the next door.

Now Ladies and gentlemen I give to you the GREATEST SECRET OF ANAL INTERCOURSE the Ani Internus.

Kept Secret from the general public for Thousands of years. Only known to Proctologist and the Elite Sodomites, I reveal to you now its inner most secrets.

This is the true guardian of the holy passage to Ecstasy. It does not respond to the will of the mind except in the case of the extremely experienced, and until we understand this it will always fight us.

Flashlights on people, here we go!

Once more I use my massage and press technique with plenty of lube on this second sphincter. It is very important to really listen to your partner with your ears and with your touch, the reason being the nature of this second gateway.

She /He does not have control of it. It normally stays closed until a bowel movement happens. It's used to operating only one way and if we try to force our way in, it’s going to say NO! In no uncertain terms, by contracting and attempting to force what ever is put through it back out!

This is where anal play often stops because its just to painful. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE PAINFUL IF WE KNOW SOME SIMPLE FACTS AND TECHNIQUES.

We already know LUBE and MORE LUBE. We know that she /he cant relax it by thinking about it, so what are we going to do? Simple really, were going relax it through massage an fatigue.

Using or circular massage technique we are going to stroke her opening with our finger tip pressing on it lightly at first and increasing pressure as it decides to let us. It will be easy to tell by touch and if we take our time eventually it will relax enough to allow us to work our finger tip in.

When we finely do, we really listen with our touch, if it try's to push us out we let it. Eventually the muscle will become tired and let us explore a little further. Take your time! I cant stress that enough. If your partner likes it, He/she will let you do it more often. It will take less time, each time to get ready for the big moment. As you partner relaxes and you can start to move your finger easily, it might be time to try a second finger or a toy. Butt plugs are a great way to hold those internal muscles open. They are designed with a taper to help hold the Butt Plug in place. They allow you use both hands (properly cleaned of course) or deliver some mind blowing oral or regular sex to really get your partner excited about anal sex. When it comes time to put your penis in his/her butt they'll be  open and receptive. Use common sense, lots of lube and above all listen to your partners words and his/her body when you try it.

Alright everybody, that concludes our tour for today. Come back next week for the hygiene tour. Please leave your rain coats and flash lights with Billy. BILLY, what did I tell you about bringing that goat in here!  The damn things fainted again!

*Billy is a refuge from the war torn Lower Gee I tract who's life long ambition was to raise fainting goats and attend proctology school.

Next post HI Gene, OR,You want Hot Wax with that Mister?

Butt mechanics 101, OR Rectum? Damn near killed him! But first a brief interlude

A brief interlude:. I was asked by my friend, “where’s the romance the love, the happy cuddly stuff “?

I’m getting to it. This is a multi-part post and I’ll try to cover every aspect I can.

That’s why I have a comment section, so folks can ask questions, voice their opinions.

The next question that I was asked was “what if some viscous bastard sends this to some one I know”?. I think this is an extremely valid question and deserves a, rare for me, serious answer. I’m a writer!

Next question: Why sex? Why butt sex as the first topic? It’s the least understood subject, yet it’s almost as popular as conventional sex. Gay people do it, lesbian folks do it, hetero couples & even single people do it to them self’s. So I thought I would address this as completely as possible. If your obsessing over it, might I suggest you examine your own attitudes about sex. 

Odds are good if your a human being and you have sex, your going to come to this subject someday. Wouldn’t it be nice if you knew something about it, if you chose to pursue it?  My goal is to educate and enlighten and to do it in a light hearted manner that strips away the erroneous and some times dangerous myths surrounding this taboo subject.

For this series of post (play patriotic music here) I am the BUTT LIGHT, shining a beacon into the darkest recess of the world’s rectum. I am the intrepid explorer, see my Shinny Yellow rain coat and tremble in amazement as I trudge up the forbidden passages to bring you back the real poop. Ok that’s enough butt jokes.  Now on with the show ;)